Dive Bar Donkey

Chelsea Clinton in Union Square?

2009-10-01T22:54:00.000-07:00

A first class fruit loop from the former first family. With Hillary off in Rwanda and Bill preoccupied with cigars and BJs, poor Chelsea is starved for attention. She figured she'd be back in her old room at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue by now but we spotted her at Union Square practicing her ballet. Will someone please give her a hug?

Credit where credit is due.

The Hollywood Roosevelt

2009-09-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

We spent the weekend at one of the country's premier donkey barns, Hollywood's finest cesspool at the Roosevelt Hotel. If you wonder where all the strippers in the greater Los Angeles area go for a hot Saturday, we found the answer. Purple poker here sticks it in the front and the back and she's telling everyone.

Frat Boy Fred just did 3 lines of blow off a 17 year old's ass while pumping roids in his ass. He's in LA bitch and don't you forget it.

And than there's this little guy who was cruising around the pool. Seriously dude, with your issues a bit more discretion will go a long way. You may be able to hide the fact that Gollum is your father if you ditch the whitey tighties and get some board shorts.

All and all, a great trip. We'll definitely go back to this treasure chest. Just give it sometime for the rash to clear up, the doctor prescribed some ointment and gave it 3 weeks. Until then, stay classy LA.

Lollapaloozers

2009-08-18T21:33:00.000-07:00

Derek: Wanna hit up Lollapalooza today?
Steven: Sure Derek, let me grab my ace bandage, skull cap and Kiss shirt and we'll get going.
Derek: Right on dude, can you grab my bandanna and spider man shirt while you're at it? I'm thinking of debuting the Air Bongos and Broken Robot today.
Steven: Don't forget the LSD!
Derek: Done. Oh man, you really going like that? Tuck your shit in asshole and make sure you wear some socks with those Velcro sandals. What's the matter with you?

(Find: Xtian)

Chaos Brothers?

2009-08-18T20:49:00.000-07:00

Swindle's Mark Smith has a secret British brother! As the debate rages over which brother is more punk rock, a couple things are clear: Patrick has the better arm of the two and the better wardrobe.

Sweetheart Stop

2009-06-29T19:38:00.000-07:00

Top five ways you can tell this crazy bachelor is drunk:

5. The cat is compiling better sentences
4. Mike Tyson has a deeper voice
3. His mustache is dripping drool
2. His behavior was so compelling that his future bride felt it was her duty to conduct an impromptu interview and put it on the internet
1. His droopy boobies are on par with the women of the Zulu tribe

Jon Gosselin's Next (dance) Move

2009-06-29T13:01:00.000-07:00

What was Jon Gosselin doing while the other 9 was out filing for divorce? Dancing of course. When reached for comment Jon had this to say, “All I ever really wanted to do was dance and the kids have been a constant obstacle. Would Kevin Bacon’s foot ever gotten loose with 8 kids complaining about how they are hungry or how they bumped their head on the stairs? I don’t think so. This is the real reality, it’s about me and my dreams.” Gosselin also confirmed his “people” are in talks for the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars.

Fader Dictionary

2009-04-03T16:18:00.000-07:00

The Bucking Bronco

Blitz Kreig Bomber

Asphalt Hickey

Spring Break Y'all

2009-03-21T11:59:00.001-07:00

Enjoy!

All 4 One Biggietard Style

2009-02-26T23:10:00.000-08:00

Brangelina, Gyllenspoon, TomKat and now Biggietard. Ms. Biggie and her star crossed lover Dr. Tard can be found every single night between the Saloon and Little Club. If you're lucky you'll catch a rendition of All 4 One's classic I Swear.

(Cinematography by Big Ty)

Grandparents.com

2009-02-26T23:09:00.000-08:00

Droopy boobies and receding hairlines spotted in local bars.

Rare British Salty Moose Spotted

2009-01-03T14:36:00.001-08:00

This article got me to thinking, have the Limeys gone crazy? And then I got distracted. Forget the violence, what about the brilliant salty moose gagging herself. Hey honey, new years resolution # 1: keep up the gagging. Just ask this beauty.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-27T10:02:00.001-08:00

From the Dive Bar Donkey board of directors, executive team and staff.

Spot The Twat Swat Chunder

2008-10-11T21:23:00.002-07:00

Chili Charlie the Chode smoked some smack and danced a darling diddle. People pointed, pulled and pushed for Chili Charlie looked like an ass.

Assmuppet: A Bird's Point of View

2008-10-11T21:23:00.001-07:00

The Dive Bar Donkey mafia reads all fan mail. Time after time we get requests to explore what a dancing douche bag looks like from a seagull's perspective. Odd, yes. But we aim to please. Check out Prancing Peter cooking up a fresh batch of chode butter.

(Cinematography by Maggie, represented by the Twatrock agency)

Cheap Cheap and DBD Team up

2008-10-11T21:13:00.000-07:00

Donkey management is proud to announce our first sponsor! It's Cheap cheap and fun fun and it will satisfy all of your donkey needs: Colt 45, PBR, Boones and Magnums to name a few. They've got it all. Tell our friend Fred we sent you.

Jump jump

2008-10-10T19:41:00.000-07:00

Flip cup, beer pong, drink 'n slide and jump jump.

Adams Avenue Street Fair

2008-09-27T21:28:00.000-07:00

I was reluctant to attend. I knew it was going to be a bunch of dirts peddling Bob Marley trinkets, timeshares in Cabo and holistic bullshit but I also knew fairs equal great donkey hunting.

I was correct on all fronts, which is nothing new. Next year I suggest they call this little soiree "A bunch of assholes with nothing better to do on a beautiful Saturday afternoon". Thankfully, as I projected, there was plenty of hunting to be done. I landed an absolute gem when we ran into my friend Kai's dad, Jiving Jack. We always knew Kai had a little fucktard in him. Now that we know his dad is a complete fucktard, it all makes sense.

Drink n' Slide

2008-09-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

Throw in a VHS copy of Risky Business, talk shit about Tom Cruise and take two shots of Zima every time a chick goes flying by and eats shit. Have a blast.

Ricki Lake and Meat Loaf Rock Local Bar

2008-09-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

SAN DIEGO, Aug 9, 2008 (DONKEY WIRE)-- Ricki and the Meat rocked four stunned dancing douche bags last month at a local dive bar. Ricki appeared to have eaten the Goodyear blimp for dessert prior to the performance and Meat's hair looked like my grandma's 17 year old shih tzu's mop.

Gramps and the Tranny - The Lost Footage

2008-08-31T14:28:00.000-07:00

(Cinematography by Xtian)

Radiohead Asshole

2008-08-31T12:29:00.000-07:00

Hey Asshole -

Next time you down Boone's in the parking lot, think about the time you passed out next to the port-o-potties at the Radiohead show.

Thanks,

DBD

Donkeys in the news

2008-08-12T19:04:00.000-07:00

'Google's Street captures a drunken Aussie keeled over outside his home'
Bill Bill Bill, if you fall asleep with your shoes on it's fair game brother (See section A1.0606.5678 of the penal code). Even with the shoes off, your Breach of Privacy case would be discounted due to your drunken stupor (Inside joke, see below for further details).

'My rape payment was cut because I was drunk'
I mean really, isn't she lucky to get anything if she was drunk? If giving the old in out in out to an unwilling drunk gal is criminal I know 6 people that should have to pay a discounted settlement. Broads these days, I tell ya.

Rapping Granny

2008-08-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

The summer trilogy is completed

Does your grandma have moves like this? Didn't think so.

TJ Anyone?

2008-07-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

Part 2 of our highly anticipated 3 part summer series.

This piece reminds me of TJ (and boobs). I had a friend, Beegis, who was roofied in a Tijuana hot spot. He woke up in an alley with a Mexican cabbie honking at him with his brights on. Another friend, let's call him Jack Goff, used to frequent a Mexican whore house for shits and giggles. That is, until he went down on Sarah and found out she was a Steven (true story, swear to god).

If only I could install a web cam at Mr. Crowns... our humble site would rival this guy's blog.

Gramps and the Tranny

2008-07-26T23:34:00.001-07:00

It's finally here, the world premier of our 3 part summer series.

My grandpa has always had an eye for hot women. As recently as a couple years ago I can remember sitting at his beach house in Santa Monica watching him whistle at spandexed women with huge hooters and grotesquely big muscles blading down to muscle beach in Venice. The diva in him couldn't pass up the spotlight when this hot bitch rolled in. I'm glad his little buddy distracted him from the anguish of watching his $25 investment in ice melt away ("Do know how much they are charging for a bag of ice these days?").